Do you feel anxious about the way you and your partner are butting heads?

Are you nervous that “going there” to solve disputes will do more harm than good? 

Is part of you resigned to never feeling heard or sharing openly in order to keep the peace?

It can feel uncomfortable to squabble, argue, or disagree. It may even feel wrong to debate with the person you love most. Yet, the truth is, no couple is exempt from conflict. Just because you care deeply about your partner doesn’t mean your individual beliefs, perspectives, or desires always meld seamlessly.

Still, managing differences of opinion is no easy thing for most of us. In fact, if unsettling, unproductive conflict is becoming a habit in your relationship, you aren’t alone. When conflicts seem to repeat stubbornly, linger for days, or never really get resolved at all, conflict can feel particularly painful and isolating.

Couples Counseling: Why Is Conflict So Hard?

Often, couples just don’t know what to do with significant friction as it arises. Some of us weren’t taught how to express ourselves early on. Lots of us have poor, or even traumatic, examples of conflict to guide us. Still others among us believe that rocking the boat to resolve any relationship problem risks ruining their connection.

As a result, festering frustration can fuel fights or stoke avoidance that leads to resentment and emotional distance.

So, what can you do when conflict threatens to override your connection?

Couples Counseling: Noticing How Mismanaged Conflict Is Coming Between You

The first step is awareness. The negative results of mismanaged conflict are as varied as the couples struggling to communicate. Still, you may be experiencing a few commonalities. Ask yourselves the following:

• Does one of you dominate during conflict while the other partner relents?

• Do you participate in yelling or demeaning behavior?

• Does your conversation devolve into generalities, rehashing old arguments, or win-lose ultimatums?

• Do you or your partner retreat, disengage, or refuse to talk at all, with no plan to work things out?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, don’t beat yourself up or blame your partner unfairly. Instead, take a breath and a step back. When conflict is mismanaged, negativity can set in, compromising closeness, empathy, and compatibility. 

To deepen mutual trust and enjoy more intimacy, you need the tools to capably share your thoughts and feelings. Additionally, you need help mastering the ability to hear and respond to each other clearly and compassionately.

Consider how couples counseling can help you start turning things around.

Couples Counseling: How Qualified Couples Support Makes A Difference

With support and professional guidance, you can prevent and repair the ill effects of poorly handled conflict. It’s best to do this sooner rather than later. You don’t need to wait until things get worse. You can stop avoiding conflict out of fear of losing each other. 

 Working with a compassionate and experienced couples counselor can go a long way in restoring optimal communication, even when it feels toughest to connect. 

Consider the following benefits of therapy:

Couples counseling helps rebuild eroded empathy and compassion.

A counselor can help you both stay curious and less apt to jump to conclusions that lead to ongoing conflict. Often, irritation and contemptuous thoughts are born from the idea that one partner “knows” what motivates the other’s thoughts or behavior.

If you are operating this way, you may very well have lost the ability to remain present and tune into your partner’s story, needs, or best intentions. 

Counseling can help you ask more questions. For example, why does your partner’s view matter so much to them? What do you know about your partner’s life and history that might temper your irritation and help you approach the conversation with more compassion?  Before you jump into a debate, what do you really hear? Are there areas of agreement or compromise?

A couples therapist can help you slow down reactivity and pay closer attention to what you’re both attempting to share.

Couples counselors can help reveal ineffective communication patterns without judgment or taking sides.

With support, you and your partner can safely examine how you individually contribute to the ways conflict occurs between you. In time, you’ll likely become more adept at better identifying key issues, unresolved hurts in your relationship, and unspoken needs that may be interfering with intimacy.

A couples therapist is qualified to help you both seek clarity in ways that a family friend or loved one may not. Together you can set goals that build relationship skills that foster more trust and confidence in your mutual desire for change and closeness.

Couples counseling can help you view and use conflict as a healthy means of negotiating your life together.

Ideally, you and your partner want to relate in ways that value both of your perspectives and still maintain your core connection. With support and commitment, your counselor can guide you toward the following:

• Less oppositional/defensive interaction and more compassionate, collaborative connection.

• Improved ability to anticipate conflict triggers and resist the urge to escalate tensions.

• A stronger desire for mutually satisfying solutions.

• A deeper sense of appreciation and respect amid difficult conversations.

Couples Counseling: Is it Time for A Change? Take the Next Step

Poorly managed conflict can take a considerable and unproductive toll on an otherwise great relationship. Fortunately, you and your partner don’t have to go on hurting each other. You and your partner found each other, you deserve better than unresolved conflict run amok. It is entirely possible to disagree without damage or disconnection.

If you’re ready, it’s okay to seek and accept help. I’m here to help. Let’s get started right away.

Please read more about couples counseling and reach out for a consultation soon.