Are you accepting of your perceived flaws? Can you treat yourself with care and tenderness?
If you're like many people, judgmental comparison and harsh self-criticism come much too easy. We even think treating ourselves unkindly is part of pushing ourselves to be stronger, more successful, or a better version of ourselves. Yet, all that really is accomplished is more stress, less confidence, and a harder road toward healing from the things that hurt you most.
To heal well and love yourself and others authentically, self-compassion makes all the difference.
What is Self-Compassion?
Generally, compassion is defined as “a sympathetic awareness of another's suffering or adversity, coupled with the desire to alleviate it”. This awareness, in other words, draws you in and evokes your empathy, tenderness, and kindness. Those feelings then compel you to act.
Self-compassion is much the same. The only difference is that empathy, tenderness, and kindness are directed inward. Halting the tendency to judge yourself, allows you to properly process and address any pain you feel. From there, comfort and recovery are more likely.
Author and pioneer in the study of self-compassion, Dr. Kristen Neff, notes that self-compassion is essentially the healing, transformative process of becoming your own friend.
What Self-Compassion Is NOT
Sometimes people deny themselves healing and compassion for fear of being too self-focused. You should know that the following are true.
Self-compassion is not self-indulgent.
Do you resist the urge to treat yourself kindly because it feels lenient or like letting yourself off the hook? Self-compassion isn't a call to be self-serving. You aren't required to deny or numb your pain. Self-compassion simply promotes a health concern for your own health and well-being.
Self-compassion is not a call to selfishness.
Being kind to yourself may seem selfish because the idea of putting others' needs ahead of your own is communicated as the nobler option. However, draining yourself of love while withholding it from yourself, just leads to emotional burnout. In the end, this isolates you and delays healing and support. Self-compassion creates more compassion toward others, thereby helping to heal broken relationships authentically.
Self-compassion is not self-esteem.
Research indicates that self-compassion is more beneficial than a focus on building self-esteem. Showing yourself loving-kindness is not dependent on being superior, becoming better, or doing more to feel accomplished. Instead, it makes space for inner contentment, forgiveness, and worth regardless of your performance. Most of all, self-compassion allows you to start feeling good about who you are right now. Thus, removing the sense that you’re never going to be good enough.
There are 3 Concepts for a Self-Compassionate Life
Research indicates there are three general ways to self-compassionately aid your recovery from emotional pain and transform your life:
1. Devote yourself to self-kindness
Self-directed kindness is vital. Be as tolerant and accepting of yourself as possible. Resist the urge to judge your life and choices, allowing that averageness, inadequacy, and outright failure are inevitable. They in no way dictate your value as a person or affect your rights to healing and comfort.
2. Embrace your place in humanity
You are part of the human family. It is self-compassionate to accept your place in a common system that struggles, grows, and changes interdependently. You are not alone in your flaws. Thus, accepting that we are all vulnerable and seeking to be understood makes you less prone to isolation and insecurity when life is hard.
3. Mindfully accept things as they are
When your self-esteem dips, self-compassion allows you to be a kind friend to yourself. You can then mindfully and nonjudgmentally witness the good and bad in your life. This reduces the pressure to get over trauma, hurtful relationship, or emotional damage. This also increases your ability to recover, learn life lessons, and move forward.
How Can You Become More Self-Compassionate?
Essentially, self-compassion presses "pause" on self-judgment so that you can see yourself clearly and properly heal without further emotional damage. Self-compassion means facing and responding to your painful experiences and emotions, without rejecting any part of them or yourself. Just as you would ask a friend, ask how you can best care for yourself when you’re feeling down.
Then, reach out for support. Unlike self-criticism, self-compassion allows you to make healthy changes without feeling like you need to become better to capably transform your life. The support of a therapist can help you make those changes a reality.
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