Undoubtedly, you’ve heard that forgiveness is “the gift you give yourself.” Yet, when your partner hurts you, do you find it difficult to forgive? Do you want to heal and reconnect but feel stuck or in need of help letting go?
You are not alone. Forgiveness is tough for a lot of couples. Many partners recognize when a pardon should be offered yet still find it very difficult to do so. You, too, may be so hurt or offended that you don’t know where to start. Yet, by refusing to forgive your significant other, you effectively keep a wall of hard feelings between you.
Be aware that forgiveness is a relationship skill. A crucial one. Just admitting that you need support and guidance in this area is a huge first step. You likely realize that you can’t successfully restore balance and intimacy in your relationship by keeping your partner on the hook. It’s smart to seek support.
So. What can you do to put your emotional pain in perspective and tap into the compassion that will help repair your relationship? Fortunately, this is entirely possible with self-care, commitment to your relationship, and the support of a counselor. You can start to find relief, fully forgive, and feel good about both. Consider the following strategies when unforgiveness gets in the way.
Couples Counseling: When It's Hard to Forgive, These 7 Suggestions Can Help
1. Define forgiveness before claiming that you’ll do it.
Often, partners will claim to forgive each other, only to realize later that they didn’t complete the process. It’s important to know what it means to forgive. This leads to a much better result and lasting reconnection.
The American Psychological Association defines forgiveness this way:
“...Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.”
Simply put, forgiveness generally involves two parts 1) letting go and 2) moving forward. Together, they permit you and your partner a healthier future, less burdened by bitterness and resentment. Most importantly, they demonstrate a willingness to heal and restore the goodwill that supports emotional safety and sharing.
2. Be clear about what you are not doing when you decide to forgive.
You are not making excuses for your partner’s wrongdoing.
You are not expecting yourself to be magically and completely “over it.”
You are not operating as though forgiveness wipes out the need to do real internal or relationship work.
3. Create time and space to observe your current thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
Are you short-tempered, silent, critical, or passive-aggressive with your partner? Self-awareness is key. Pay attention to the way unforgiveness may be showing up in your thoughts and behavior. If you aren’t sure that you can see yourself clearly, journaling or mindful meditation practice can help. These methods act as a way of noticing your own thoughts, emotions, and responses.
However, you choose to explore your reactions and allow your observations to exist honestly, without judgment or self-editing.
4. Process your grievances.
Denying, burying, or ignoring the offense is not forgiveness. This robs you of the freedom to acknowledge what happened and deal with it as a couple. Avoidance allows time for the emotional rift to deepen. Minimizing how you were affected can, ultimately, make you feel even more anxious and resentful.
Accept that difficult feelings remain and complicate your relationship so that you can start to process and resolve what happened between you. Furthermore, if you realize that your reluctance to forgive is rooted in deeper, unresolved relationship issues, consider scheduling time with a counselor to work through them.
5. Don’t let the offense skew the big relationship picture.
Challenge beliefs and self-defeating thoughts that keep you immersed in hurt feelings. In other words, don’t throw away a relationship you want because you struggle to release your resentment. Instead, choose to process what happened and put your relationship first. This perspective prevents withdrawal and promotes a return to the vulnerability that builds mutual trust.
6. Consider the potential for growth.
Is there a silver lining? Perhaps you've gained more maturity or insight due to your painful experience. Hold on to that. You may find forgiveness is a little easier if you can see your partner’s wrongdoing as a continuum of circumstances that made you a better person and strengthened your bond. What did you learn about yourself, your needs, and your boundaries?
7. Recognize, rather than reject, your partner’s humanity.
Maybe your partner made a big mistake. They may have real flaws that test your relationship from time to time. Can you still view them with compassion? Personality and character flaws are part of the human condition. Forgiveness may feel more possible if you can get curious, step back mentally, and identify some of the beliefs or thought patterns at work in your partner’s mind.
Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed, what needs might I have been trying to meet? What do I know about my partner that made their reaction or choice okay in their minds? Give yourself a safe space to consider and understand their perspective. Counseling is a great place to consider your relationship goals and revive productive communication.
Couples Counseling: Professional Support Helps Make Forgiveness a Habit That Brings You Closer
Forgiveness is harder when the wounds are deep or your partner seems unrepentant. Likely there are other issues that need to be addressed. Yet, for the most part, many of the missteps in our relationship are not intentional and are entirely forgivable. Let a therapist help you determine what’s next and work toward healing your connection. When you allow yourself to let go and move on you can take better care of yourself and honor the future you committed to building together.
If you’re ready, I’m here to help. Let’s get started soon. Please read more about couples counseling and reach out for a consultation today.